Quieting the voices that tell me I can’t

 

This week I ran, in training for the upcoming 5k race I’m entered in. Now when I say “run” I mean “old man bouncy jog” I drove out to the actual race path and begin my run. I just couldn’t get into the mood to run. I didn’t want to do it, but began my run anyway.

You see I fight with these little gremlins in my head. They are loud and constant and don’t want me to accomplish my goals, to work hard, to be uncomfortable or achieve. They whisper in my mind, just relax and be fat and lazy, that is all. “If you try you might fail. It’s safer not to try at all.” They always say.
They try everything known to man to get me to stop or not even try at all. They have a counter to every argument I have for continuing. The worst part is all their arguments are really, really good and make sense to me which is why I’m fat and out of shape. I listen to them and give in way too much. “It’s hot, I’m tired, I didn’t get good sleep last night, my foot hurts, my knees ache, my leg is cramping, sweet is dripping in my eyes, my man boobs bounce way too much, my back hurts and I’ll just have a doughnut or two to get more energy.”

Those voices in my head are nonstop and relentless!!!

All I need to do is just give myself permission to stop; because quitting is so easy; I just need to agree to be ok with it. Going on is so hard.

So how do I go on? How can I overcome these naysayers in my own head? Well I start by giving myself a pep talk, using lines from a motivational speech. “I am a Champion…!”

Voice still answers “You can’t”

 I respond; but ”I think can?”

“Why try? You will fail.”

 “You can” verses “You can’t” for the whole run the battle rages in my head.
 I slow my pace as the argument rages. Then beaten, I drop off to a walk. Defeated by myself and the voices I’ve chosen to listen to in my head. Now left only to the dutiful task of beating myself down for the rest of the day for quitting. The gremlins laugh with joy - completely fulfilled as I begin the self loathing.

I need help outside myself. I wanted advice I wanted someone to just tell me the magic trick I need to win the argument in my head. It must be someone really great because these are not your average run of the mill gremlins.

I thought about asking my little brother Darrin. He is an awesome runner and surely has developed a system for beating the voices in his head. (Everyone has these voices… right?) He is busy at work and I don’t really like to expose my failures. Maybe I’ll just Google it. That’s more anonymous. (In my head I high five myself for keeping it hidden) I can find just about anything on the internet. “Good plan” I tell myself as I drive away.

Time passes and I find myself ready for my next training run. I didn’t get around to finding “the fix” for my problem as I had hoped. (Procrastination is another problem of mine) I know if I don’t do something different, I will fail again. I know these voices too well. They can whip anyone or anything no matter how fixed in my determination I am, (Alma 47:6-18 this is how they work. They get me to weaken, or give in just a little, “come down just a little” all the while reassuring me that it will be ok but then poison me by degrees). I need to be on my “A” game if I even want to have a chance. I find my thoughts are in a panic.

 “THINK!!” I tell myself, I need a plan or I’ll fail again.

I start my run not knowing how I will fight this battle.

As I start I’m feeling good and keeping a good pace. I start to settle in and my joints start to loosen and move better. This is always the best part of the run for me, well aside from the part where I’m done and get to rest. After the first mile things start to hurt. The course was mostly downhill to start and at this point flattens out and requires a little more effort on my part.

 I can hear the voices now but they are far off and it’s easy to ignore them but the reality that they are coming for me starts a panic.

Why didn’t I prepare for this better? “Where is Darrin and Google now that I need help? WHAT WILL I DO?”
‘ Panic’ now at full tilt in my head. Somewhere in the fog of panic, voices and my own thoughts I am able pull a soft whisper from the mix. “Ask Father for Help.”

 I instantly feel foolish and ashamed, that as I was thinking earlier for the best person, the most knowledgeable and wise- I didn’t even think to ask Father.

Prayer is sometimes hard for me when I want “the fix.” I want a simple, easy, black and white answer given to me for my questions and it’s been my experience that He doesn't usually work that way with me. Most times He asks me to figure it out, (with his help of course.)

The voices tell me. “I got myself into this predicament of being out of shape. Shouldn’t I have to get myself out?

God is busy with everything else in the universe and you want Him to take time out of his busy day for this?

 It’s just running, stop acting like a child. You’re tough, you don’t need help.

What are you a wuss that needs to run home to Daddy every time the going gets a little rough? Suck it up and just do it you whimp!”

UGH the voices have a say in everything that goes on in my head it seems.

I begin the prayer in my heart as I run. “I need help with these voices in my head. They want me to give up and fail.”

 The impression comes “Why do you listen to them?” 

 “They know me and my weakness, they make ‘quitting’ make since.”

“Do you want to quit?”

“No”

“Then don’t. Just keep going. One step at a time is all we need for now.”

“But I'm tired, my feet hurt, it’s hot, the end is so far…” echoing the taunts I have heard so many times in my thoughts as if the words or beliefs are my own.

“Do you want to quit?”

“No?”

“Then don’t, just keep going… one step at a time. That is all we need for now. You will get tired, it will hurt, it is hot, but the end is not that far now that you’ve started, you’ll see. To better yourself isn’t meant to be easy. It will be hard, but I will be with you. Keep going ‘we’ can do this. ”

“Are you sure?”

“Can you trust me?”

“Yes.”

I feel some relief from the battle that was ragging in my head and that somehow lightens my load. It is easier to run. Not because I’m lighter or younger or the road is shorter, “it is what it is” but now I am not alone with the voices.  

As I pray I notice the voices are getting farther away and harder to hear. If I want to hear them now, I really have to listen. But I chose not to try to hear them. My run is better just knowing the voices have moved further away for now and are kept at a distance. They are still there but out of reach for now like shadows that must hide from the light. From time to time they sneak back in my head, bombarding me with doubt but I immediately begin praying for help and they leave. It is as if they have been trained to go.

When the course turned for home it started the long uphill pull to the finish line.

“This is getting harder and all my energy is used up” I say starting to panic.

“This is hard, but we can make it.”

Finally the finish is in sight, I am spent, all used up, so tired but I’m smiling as I finish.
The run was good and I met my goal. I have felt my Father’s love today. As I reflect I am filled with admiration for my Heavenly Father and that he always has time for me and my silliness. It is literally astounding to me that he loves me and cares for me. He has told me time and time again “If it’s important to you it’s important to me.”

I have done nothing to deserve his attention and yet, He is always there when I ask.

Life is Good!

 

Post script: the gremlins in my head are Satan and his legions. They want us to fail every time and are giddy when they succeed.  Their happiness is always fleeting and must be replaced continually. Their happiness only comes from our sadness and failure. Any time we have negative ‘self-talk’ (this is different from a constructive self evaluation) that tears us down, it is not of God and therefore by default we know it comes from, ‘Satan’. If we want to get rid of the thoughts Satan plants in our minds we just need to introduce the spirit - for where there is light there cannot be darkness.