Downhill toward Disaster

 

07/10/90

Published in the Ensign September 1999

I had been working the last five weeks for my brother-in-law Teryl (what a great guy) who had just purchased a share in a logging company. We were logging up the Monte Cristo canyon just east of Ogden UT on the Wyoming border. I would help him on my days off from the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office in Kemmerer WY.  This particular morning as I woke up early to go, my wife was even more persistent this morning that I not go.  She had an uneasy feeling and was worried about me. It just didn’t feel right she said. Later she had told me that after I had left she even prayed that I would get into a wreck or have car troubles, anything to prevent me from getting to the logging camp. I thought it was just because she was pregnant with our second son Shane and it was the first weekend she wasn’t going to come with me and spend the weekend at the logging camp.  Little did I know it was promptings to keep me safe. 

The long early, just before the crack of dawn drive up the canyon was beautiful but uneventful. I always love the world in the morning before everyone else gets up and moving. As soon as I got up to the logging camp I knew it was going to be a bad day.  When I got to the logging camp and opened my camper, I found that a raccoon had broken in and had eaten all my Cap’n Crunch and my Oreos. That was breakfast lunch and dinner all gone.  The work day started out as usual but went downhill fast.  Our equipment was old and we seemed to be plagued with small inconveniences and break downs.

Before I continue I need to explain how this logging operation works.  We were doing what’s called ‘highline logging’.  This is done when the mountain is too steep for any kind of equipment to go up or down.  The way we logged on this steep terrain was to string a heavy ¾ cable from a derrick on top of the mountain to a ‘spar’ tree (just a really big tree) in the bottom of the valley.  The main cable hangs 20 to 50 feet over the surface of the steep hill.  A second cable rides down the main line on a block with a series of pullies.  When the block hits what’s called a button or donut it stops and releases the second cable sending it down to the ground.  The 2^nd cable is then hooked to 3 or 4 logs.  The logs are then pulled or flown up to the “deck”, a level area where the equipment can work.  We can only get so many logs in one area on the hill until the button must be moved down the cable.  The button is essentially a large steel piece that weighed about 60lbs it locks on the main cable and prevents the block from going further down the cable.

Now back to the story.  As I said, we had had many breakdowns. One, of which, was our radios that we used to communicate to the guy running the cables, so we were using hand signals to communicate which was slow and inadequate at best.  This day I worked down in the brush hooking up the trees on the steep mountain side. We had cleaned up all the logs in that area and it was time for us to move the button to a new area full of lumber. We signaled for the main cable to be lowered and the main cable with the button was brought down within my reach, but still over my head. Usually I would have it lowered to the ground so it could be handed better and kept under control. But because of the difficulty communicating I decided to go ahead and unlock the button anyway. I walked the button downhill until I was standing on a very steep embankment that dropped off making it almost like a cliff. The weight of the button tried pulling me down the hill.  It took all my strength and body weight but I was able to keep it under control. I had my heals dug in to the soft mountain soil and I was leaning back into the mountain to prevent it from running away with me. I tried to tell them to lower the cable more but about that time the wind gusted causing the main line to whip, it was like a wave that picked me up and carried me off my feet and down the very steep hill faster and faster like some kind of out of control adrenalin filled high adventure zip line.

I was now heading down towards the spar tree at a break neck speed.  I looked for a place to jump off but I was already high in the air and all I could see were piles of limbs laying kriss-kross and sticking straight up. As I was flying by it looked as if all of the limbs had been sharpened to a point. I could just imagine one of them going right through my gut if I tried to jump off. Not knowing, or really thinking of what lay ahead I decided not to jump for fear of being gored. Anyway so far the ride was kinda fun, I remember chuckling to myself about this predicament had gotten myself into, kind of rolling my eyes thinking, well how are you going to get yourself out of this one? At the very beginning of this ride I even had to lift my feet to avoid some limbs, “WHY DIDN’T I LET GO THEN” I thought. Now I had a bird’s eye view of the whole canyon and I was blissfully unaware of how fast I was going or how this ride was about to end. When I looked up I saw that I was racing toward the spar tree.  I was about 50 feet off the ground and moving fast, the witnesses said about thirty to thirty-five miles an hour.  I did not have any time to think.

The spar tree was about eight feet in diameter at the bottom and about 3 feet in diameter where the cable was hooked to it. There was one large limb sticking out at one side that caught my attention.  I thought that maybe if I swung out to the side of the tree just before impact and wrapped myself around this limb it would save me from falling. I centrally didn’t want to just ride it to a head-on with the tree. I let go of the chain that was hooked to the button with one hand and prepared to hit/catch/wrap myself around the limb.  When I hit the first thing I saw was my feet, I hit so hard it caused a bruise across my chest, popped my ribs out of socket where they attach to my back and a bruised my heart, it also dislocated my arm my momentum flipped me upside down, wrapping me completely around the limb.  Then everything went black.  There were flashes of consciousness as I tumbled down the tree ping ponging through the limbs. I remember seeing my heard hat sailing like a Frisbee or a space ship across the canyon. I also remember hitting different limbs as I fell. I hit the ground sitting up with my legs straight out then bounced one last time about 60ft down the hill finally going unconscious. When I awoke I was laying face down in the dirt on my stomach unable to breath, with a mouth full of dirt. For a minute I couldn’t remember who I was or what had happened.  I heard a faint voice asking me if I was all right.  I felt like I could not breathe, so I asked to be rolled over.  The pain was so great that I blacked out again.

When I came to I was laying on my back in the middle of an old logging road about 20 feet from the tree.  I had no feeling from my hips down, cuts all over and was still having trouble breathing.  I said a simple prayer and asked the Lord to help me.  I opened my eyes and there was Ethan Call.  It was his first day with the logging crew.  I remembered my wife telling me that he had served a mission.  Up to that day I was the only priesthood holder on the crew. Relieved and realized Father had heard my prayer. I asked him to give me a blessing.

As he began, immediately a sense of calm came over Teryl, Ethan and me.  I had been unconscious for most of the blessing, but I did hear him bless me that my body would be made whole.  As I laid there I began to feel again the sensation in my legs and the pain became bearable.  The Holy Ghost bore witness to us that God had performed a miracle and we were each left with a testimony of what had just happened.

It became apparent that it was going to be a long time before medical help arrived.  Teryl told me that Rick Earling had already started down the mountain to get help.  I knew it was a two hour drive out of the canyon to the nearest phone.  I closed my eyes and said another simple prayer and asked for the Lords help again to speed up the help I so desperately needed.  My prayer was again answered in a miraculous way.  As Rick was speeding down the canyon he happened to run across a paramedic who was out for an afternoon drive. (this was a Thursday at 10:00am) The paramedic had a high power radio that he was able to reach across the mountains to the Weber County Sheriff’s Department.  They in turn were able to call McKay Dee Hospital and get Life Flight on its way.   The paramedic then rushed up the mountain to where I was laying, he started an IV and stopped all my bleeding.  God had again answered my prayer.  I was able to get the medical help and the transportation I needed within a fraction of the time we were expecting.

The helicopter was now circling overhead but after a few passes they radioed down that the only place they could land was a flat spot about half a mile up this old logging road.  When I heard this my blood chilled!  I looked to my side to see an old jacked-up Ford 4x4 on the heavily rutted road. The thought of a ride in the back of a four wheel drive truck over a rutted, dirt road was more than I could bear.  I again simply asked the Lord for help.

The helicopter circled one last time and radioed down they had decided to try to land closer.  They were able to land within 50 feet of where I was laying by balancing the helicopter with the tips of their runners on the road and the back half of the chopper hovering off the road.  Within 15 minutes I arrived at McKay Dee Hospital’s emergency room.  They started another IV, put a tube down my nose into my stomach and also started me on oxygen.  They pumped blood out of my stomach for three hours. 

I had four doctors and two specialist working on me for six hours.  They X-rayed me from the top of my head to my knees and were unable to find any broken bones.  This baffled all of them.  They stated many times that there was no possible way a body could have received that many blows, as I was flipped from branch to branch as I fell down the tree without having some broken bones or internal injuries.  I was given a cat-scan from my neck to my knees – scanned a half of an inch at a time.  This took about one hour.  Baffled again because they found nothing.  They were not even able to find out what had caused the bleeding in my stomach.

My brother Bryan was the first one to get to the emergency room and was there when they got me settled into a room in intensive care.

The doctors told me I had caused enough trauma to my body that I wouldn’t walk for a couple of weeks.  That night I asked Bryan to give me a blessing.  He did and then left.  On his way home he was unable to ignore the promptings to gather up another elder and return to give me an anointed blessing.  During the blessing the Holy Ghost again bore witness to me that I would be all right. I was filled with the confidence that I would be able to walk the next day…which I did!

I am thankful for the blessings I was given by those men who honored their priesthood.  I am also thankful for the continuous prayers in the hearts of those who are close to me.  I am thankful for miracles.  I know that God lives and answer prayers…no matter how simple they are.

 

 

10? Things I want my kids to know (Part 2)

4.       It’s ok to cry; I have told you time and time again to suck it up and move forward, often accompanied by a “cuff-up-side the head”. Endlessly I chastised you for crying when you were younger, as I told you to just rub some dirt on it and get moving. I fear that in an effort to help you be aware that you are tougher than you know. I may have put a negative spin on all crying. I would like to rectify that now! It is ok to cry. We must not waste time feeling sorry for ourselves; however it is appropriate to morn when we have experienced loss. Not only is it appropriate but it is essential to being able to deal with and understand what has happened and eventually put it into perspective and move forward. It can be a great stress reliever. It is ok and even necessary to see hurt and pain for what it is and deal with it, not bottle it up or we will pay a much higher price when that bottled up emotion finally overflows and overwhelms us.

My least favorite time to cry is when I have transgressed. I know, and we have been promised that with transgression there will always be tears.

There are other times we might cry, when we are extremely happy, like good memories of my family or when we are moved and overwhelmed by the spirit. These times are my favorite times to cry. I love tears of happiness and joy or the way in which the spirit overwhelms me and brings me to tears. (*Side note; don’t mistake crying for always feeling the spirit as I sometimes have. Sometimes it’s just us crying?)

How do I know it’s ok to cry?

The toughest men and women I have come to know have cried. I remember as a boy when dad cut off the tips of his toes with the lawn mower. He limped into the house with a shredded bloody shoe and through pursed lips told Bryan and me to leave. We ran out the old wooden screen door then turned around and pressed our noses back to the screen to watch and see what would happen. He called for mom and as she began to look him over. He griped the chair in obvious agony and grunted through clinched teeth “I thought you were supposed to faint if the pain got this bad”.  Not one tear was shed then or when he broke his wrist and it was left just dangling crooked when the tractor backfired while he was crank starting it, or when the horse kicked him in the head giving him a concussion. The first time in my life I can remember my dad crying was at his mother’s furfural. If he had ever shed a tear before that I can’t say that I remember. But there in the sorrow of saying goodbye, his heart broken at this new loss, the toughest and bravest man I knew wept. What a tribute to his wonderful mother. Earl Crockett senior, at the loss of his young son Kelly. Gordon B Hinckley as he spoke of his beloved wife.

See also; John 11:35. 3 Nephi 17;21,22

 

5.       Stay close to the lord and pray always. All my happiness and joy I can trace back to my efforts to be obedience to the  gospel and the knowledge it has given me. Sadness always follows when I have strayed. Stay close and life will be better. I remember one night out coon hunting with Kyli. She was only about 10 at the time and loved to hunt the dogs. We had just recently got a new cell phone with a 2 year contract. She had asked if she could hold the phone and I let her. At the end of the night hunting we had followed those dogs all over that valley in the dark and had a very successful night. When we got the dogs loaded up in the truck and headed back for home around midnight. I asked her for the phone. I saw the panicked look come over her face as she felt her empty pockets.

 “I must have dropped it somewhere along the way.” she said in a panic. We had walked miles in tall sage brush, grass and weeds following our hounds. There was no way to find it in the dark with such a large area to cover and even if we went back we could not retrace our tracks kuz the dogs and coons didn’t know how to follow a trail or even go in a straight line. After thinking about it for a second, realizing we couldn’t possibly retrace our steps, afford a new phone or even get out of the contract I said “will you say a prayer and ask Heavenly Father to help us find the phone?” (You see, I happen to know and bare my personal testimony that Father Loves to listen to children.)So on cue she said a very simple prayer, her little head bowed, and little arms folded. As she offered that small childlike simple prayer the earth seemed to quiet a little, the restless dogs, still wound up from the hunt settled down and the cool midnight breeze was exactly right. The air seemed crisp; not cool just crisp all as if to indicate that Father was paying attention to this prayer.  It was the silver blue moon that offered our only light and it was enough to get you around. We pulled back into the spot we had unloaded hours earlier. I turned to her and asked if she thought we would find it. She shrugged her shoulders not knowing how we possibly could.

 I had felt like this would be one of those times that Father would reach out his hand and perform a wonder for this little girl’s prayer. I silently asked that He might grant her this prayer as a way of showing her His love. We got out of the truck with the plan that we would just try to follow the path as best we could of the earlier hunt. I looked out at the dark landscape and the seemingly impossible task but, I felt peace. As I stepped toward to the first fence crossing that we had crawled through, I saw a blinking green light in the tall grass. It was the phone!!! We snatched it up with lightened hearts and started home after having a prayer of thanks. I guess the point of this story is to reaffirm to you that He hears and answers you prayers. If it’s important to you it’s important to Him. I have similar stories for all of my children.

  2 Nephi 4:35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

 

6.       Always be thankful. There is always, always, always, something to be grateful for. Some people go through life looking for the silver lining on every cloud and others will look for the cloud on every silver lining. In life you will always find what you’re looking for. I cannot say that enough, you will always find what you’re looking for!! So look for the good. Search out those things that are praiseworthy, uplifting and desirable.

Happiness is what you find when you’re engaged in being thankful; it’s not a thing you get, or something you buy, or a place you go, or a time you wait for. If you can’t be grateful and happy for what is in your life right now, with where you are and what you have, chances are you won’t be happy when you get what you though you wanted or where you thought happiness is waiting.

In our life we will face grief, pain, suffering and disappointment that are real and are meant to be part of our earthly experience. These times are hard and will be uncomfortable and sometimes seem overwhelming. We can still make them better or worse depending on how we stand and face them. I’m not advocating pretending that all is well, as the house around you burns down, but “Attitude is everything” this is an eternal principle.

When life gets going too fast, stop and remember all that you have to be thankful for.
(Count your blessings) If you haven’t made this a habit then at first it will be hard. Ask for help from Father to see and recognize your blessings. They are there I promise.

When we are thankful, little things and stumbling blocks seem to get out of our way. There is less in our life that weighs us down, less to fear and less to cause worry. We are freer to see and enjoy all the things around us. Gratitude will help improve every aspect of your life; physical, financial, relational, mental, emotional and spiritual. Unfortunately the opposite is also true. A bad attitude is the destroyer of every good thing.

One thing that is yours and can never be taken away is your attitude. You must see, understand and own this. If you have a bad attitude then you and you alone chose that. You are always in control of that. It is the great lie that something, or what someone else did is in control of your attitude. Don’t get caught in the trap of this great lie.

If you have a min watch this:

 

Quieting the voices that tell me I can’t

 

This week I ran, in training for the upcoming 5k race I’m entered in. Now when I say “run” I mean “old man bouncy jog” I drove out to the actual race path and begin my run. I just couldn’t get into the mood to run. I didn’t want to do it, but began my run anyway.

You see I fight with these little gremlins in my head. They are loud and constant and don’t want me to accomplish my goals, to work hard, to be uncomfortable or achieve. They whisper in my mind, just relax and be fat and lazy, that is all. “If you try you might fail. It’s safer not to try at all.” They always say.
They try everything known to man to get me to stop or not even try at all. They have a counter to every argument I have for continuing. The worst part is all their arguments are really, really good and make sense to me which is why I’m fat and out of shape. I listen to them and give in way too much. “It’s hot, I’m tired, I didn’t get good sleep last night, my foot hurts, my knees ache, my leg is cramping, sweet is dripping in my eyes, my man boobs bounce way too much, my back hurts and I’ll just have a doughnut or two to get more energy.”

Those voices in my head are nonstop and relentless!!!

All I need to do is just give myself permission to stop; because quitting is so easy; I just need to agree to be ok with it. Going on is so hard.

So how do I go on? How can I overcome these naysayers in my own head? Well I start by giving myself a pep talk, using lines from a motivational speech. “I am a Champion…!”

Voice still answers “You can’t”

 I respond; but ”I think can?”

“Why try? You will fail.”

 “You can” verses “You can’t” for the whole run the battle rages in my head.
 I slow my pace as the argument rages. Then beaten, I drop off to a walk. Defeated by myself and the voices I’ve chosen to listen to in my head. Now left only to the dutiful task of beating myself down for the rest of the day for quitting. The gremlins laugh with joy - completely fulfilled as I begin the self loathing.

I need help outside myself. I wanted advice I wanted someone to just tell me the magic trick I need to win the argument in my head. It must be someone really great because these are not your average run of the mill gremlins.

I thought about asking my little brother Darrin. He is an awesome runner and surely has developed a system for beating the voices in his head. (Everyone has these voices… right?) He is busy at work and I don’t really like to expose my failures. Maybe I’ll just Google it. That’s more anonymous. (In my head I high five myself for keeping it hidden) I can find just about anything on the internet. “Good plan” I tell myself as I drive away.

Time passes and I find myself ready for my next training run. I didn’t get around to finding “the fix” for my problem as I had hoped. (Procrastination is another problem of mine) I know if I don’t do something different, I will fail again. I know these voices too well. They can whip anyone or anything no matter how fixed in my determination I am, (Alma 47:6-18 this is how they work. They get me to weaken, or give in just a little, “come down just a little” all the while reassuring me that it will be ok but then poison me by degrees). I need to be on my “A” game if I even want to have a chance. I find my thoughts are in a panic.

 “THINK!!” I tell myself, I need a plan or I’ll fail again.

I start my run not knowing how I will fight this battle.

As I start I’m feeling good and keeping a good pace. I start to settle in and my joints start to loosen and move better. This is always the best part of the run for me, well aside from the part where I’m done and get to rest. After the first mile things start to hurt. The course was mostly downhill to start and at this point flattens out and requires a little more effort on my part.

 I can hear the voices now but they are far off and it’s easy to ignore them but the reality that they are coming for me starts a panic.

Why didn’t I prepare for this better? “Where is Darrin and Google now that I need help? WHAT WILL I DO?”
‘ Panic’ now at full tilt in my head. Somewhere in the fog of panic, voices and my own thoughts I am able pull a soft whisper from the mix. “Ask Father for Help.”

 I instantly feel foolish and ashamed, that as I was thinking earlier for the best person, the most knowledgeable and wise- I didn’t even think to ask Father.

Prayer is sometimes hard for me when I want “the fix.” I want a simple, easy, black and white answer given to me for my questions and it’s been my experience that He doesn't usually work that way with me. Most times He asks me to figure it out, (with his help of course.)

The voices tell me. “I got myself into this predicament of being out of shape. Shouldn’t I have to get myself out?

God is busy with everything else in the universe and you want Him to take time out of his busy day for this?

 It’s just running, stop acting like a child. You’re tough, you don’t need help.

What are you a wuss that needs to run home to Daddy every time the going gets a little rough? Suck it up and just do it you whimp!”

UGH the voices have a say in everything that goes on in my head it seems.

I begin the prayer in my heart as I run. “I need help with these voices in my head. They want me to give up and fail.”

 The impression comes “Why do you listen to them?” 

 “They know me and my weakness, they make ‘quitting’ make since.”

“Do you want to quit?”

“No”

“Then don’t. Just keep going. One step at a time is all we need for now.”

“But I'm tired, my feet hurt, it’s hot, the end is so far…” echoing the taunts I have heard so many times in my thoughts as if the words or beliefs are my own.

“Do you want to quit?”

“No?”

“Then don’t, just keep going… one step at a time. That is all we need for now. You will get tired, it will hurt, it is hot, but the end is not that far now that you’ve started, you’ll see. To better yourself isn’t meant to be easy. It will be hard, but I will be with you. Keep going ‘we’ can do this. ”

“Are you sure?”

“Can you trust me?”

“Yes.”

I feel some relief from the battle that was ragging in my head and that somehow lightens my load. It is easier to run. Not because I’m lighter or younger or the road is shorter, “it is what it is” but now I am not alone with the voices.  

As I pray I notice the voices are getting farther away and harder to hear. If I want to hear them now, I really have to listen. But I chose not to try to hear them. My run is better just knowing the voices have moved further away for now and are kept at a distance. They are still there but out of reach for now like shadows that must hide from the light. From time to time they sneak back in my head, bombarding me with doubt but I immediately begin praying for help and they leave. It is as if they have been trained to go.

When the course turned for home it started the long uphill pull to the finish line.

“This is getting harder and all my energy is used up” I say starting to panic.

“This is hard, but we can make it.”

Finally the finish is in sight, I am spent, all used up, so tired but I’m smiling as I finish.
The run was good and I met my goal. I have felt my Father’s love today. As I reflect I am filled with admiration for my Heavenly Father and that he always has time for me and my silliness. It is literally astounding to me that he loves me and cares for me. He has told me time and time again “If it’s important to you it’s important to me.”

I have done nothing to deserve his attention and yet, He is always there when I ask.

Life is Good!

 

Post script: the gremlins in my head are Satan and his legions. They want us to fail every time and are giddy when they succeed.  Their happiness is always fleeting and must be replaced continually. Their happiness only comes from our sadness and failure. Any time we have negative ‘self-talk’ (this is different from a constructive self evaluation) that tears us down, it is not of God and therefore by default we know it comes from, ‘Satan’. If we want to get rid of the thoughts Satan plants in our minds we just need to introduce the spirit - for where there is light there cannot be darkness.

Running the 5k

Well 23 years ago I ran my last 5k until today. Father time has been cruel to me it seems. Time has made me slower, heaver, my joints now complain with nightly swelling and I am clinging to the last traces of MY hair. My goals for today were simple to run the race without walking, finish around the 30 min mark and stay out of the ambulance. I think I did ok. I started a little too fast as I knew I would so I slowed down to my patented grandpa bouncy jog. And watched as the pack slowly got further away. I wasn’t in last place so my pride was still intact. At about the 3k marker there were some spectators that as I passed cheered wildly for me, I gave them the thumbs up and a smile I couldn’t get enough breath to say thanks, it gave me strength to go on and I reflected on how much friendly encouragement strengthened me when I was struggling wanting to give up and walk, it touched me so deeply I got a little teary, so with my renewed determination and boosted moral I pressed on. Of course I found out in about the next 50 yards that they weren’t cheering for me but for the grandma that was about to pass me. (they all had on pink shirts that said “BOOTY CAMP” I had seen the little old lady at the start of the race but didn’t view her as a threat on account of the walker she used to get to the starting line) well I guess that hip replacement worked out real good for her kuz she over took me and was setting a blistering 12min mile pace. But “when life gives you lemons make lemonade” I always say. So I kicked it up a notch and drafted off her for at least a good 30 yards but then reluctantly had to fall back into my “grandpa bouncy jog” (that’s ok though her knees would pop with every stride and it was creeping me out a little.) I think she even trashed talked me a little when she passed, it was hard to tell with my iPod blaring “WHAM’s greatest hits” But I’m a firm believer in karma, and karma paid off. She tripped in front of a pack of fifth grade girls and took out like five of them. As I passed the pile of the old lady and fifth grade girls and the paramedics that were trying to untangle them. She gave me the “ol stink eye” and I just smiled nodded my head and jogged on. (I wanted to come up with a good come back maybe some not so nice cat calls but I still couldn’t get enough air to talk). So I finished in 30:38 and 36th place I think there were only 40 in the race I guess some of the fifth graders never made it back in the race and had to drop out? On an up note I finished first in my class it was the over 40 under 42 between 260 and 280lbs (not really a big bracket as you might guess). I celebrated with a couple of ice packs for my knees and a refreshing chocolate ensure and several fiber tablets.


LIFE IS GOOD!!!!